SCANDALS! FUCKIN EGGHEADS, MAN... INFOTAINMENT SUPERUPDATE! As government and independent scientific institutes argue that global warming poses a clear and present danger to our way of life and corporate-sponsored scientists present their bought-and-paid-for counterarguments, some egg-heads are moving forward with plans of their own to help stifle and/or reverse man's negative influence on the environment he inhabits. One such egg-head is none other than 92 year old Edward Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb, who proposes a program of mass "geoengineering," which involves the insertion of small particles into the upper atmosphere which would scatter up to 2% of the sun's light before it was able to reach the planetary surface. Computer simulations have shown his hypothesis to be workable (much to the surprise of the skeptical technicians who ran the tests), and Stanford University has added his methods to their extensive list of sunlight-scattering experiments. Other proposals on the drawing board include a plan to blast the atmosphere with particles from ships on the open ocean, planting thousands of huge mirror-station satellites in geo-synchronous orbit around the planet, and dumping powdered iron into the oceans in order to promote the growth of sea plankton which absorb UV rays. All three "solutions" have their own problems, however. The plankton solution might upset precarious ecosystems, the satellites solution is prohibitively expensive, and the surface to air blasting solution would cast a permanent, pale white shroud over the entire planet, leading to an end to blue skies... literally. For many men, breaking in a virgin is nothing less than a sacrament, a goal which must be achieved before one can truthfully call himself a man. Some take this belief so seriously that they will go to any lengths to achieve their goals, even going so far as to fuck the unfuckable... the hideous, the insane, the retarded, etc. But in his cherry popping quest, 20 year old Hesam Khalili from Iran has outdone all others by getting hitched to Fatemeh Jamshidi, a 77 year old village spinster. Yer old pal has only one piece of wedding night advice for our Iranian friend, Hasem... use lots of lubrication, dude. LOTS of lubrication. Yer old pal Jerky realizes we do a lot of whining about unholy vortices here at the Daily Dirt, but this particular unholy vortex is one of the most unholy vortices we've seen in a while, so, really, it's like we're honor bound to mention it. VH1 (gag) is paying Madonna (retch) to produce a bunch of movies for their tepid, lowest-common-denominator music channel, including one film about the life and times of Def Leppard (oof) and one about teen music queens (urg) starring... Debbie Gibson (gak). So, to encapsulate: a shitty music video channel is paying a shitty musician a bunch of money to make shitty movies about shitty musicians starring other shitty musicians. How we came to be the world's only superpower, I swear I'll never know. Thank Gawd for the R and D geniuses at paper products mega-titan Kimberly-Clark, who recently announced that they will soon be ready to roll out a groundbreaking new product... "pre-moistened" toilet paper! But wait, there's more! The new product won't just be moist and gooey against your tender, pooched out anus... no siree! According to corporate memos (obtained surreptitiously and at great personal risk to your gentle narrator), it's gonna be FLUSHABLE, too! With this revolutionary new ass-wiping product - which marketing poo-bahs have decided to saddle with the ridiculous moniker of Cottonelle Fresh Rollwipes - Kimberley-Clark hopes to solidify their already substantial grip on the $4.8 billion dollar per year American toilet paper market. And they'd better hope it works for them, because from design to implementation, this idea has already cost them a hundred million dollars. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THIS DAY: January 18 On this day in the year 1644, some pants-shitting pilgrims report their sighting of a huge ball of light hovering in the sky over Boston. After floating around a bit, the light took on "the appearance of a swine," and zoom-zoomed off into the black night sky. Then, immediately after filing their reports with the local authorities, these same pilgrims went off and killed a bunch of teenage girls for being too smart and/or sexy for their own damn good. And you'd better believe yer old pal Jerky when he tells you they'd do it all over again if we gave them half a chance.

QUOTES! "I did LSD in the hospital. I did it in a controlled environment to try and find things out about myself, about why I was breaking up my marriage, or why I wasn't happy with fame, although I was extremely successful. I began to feel that not too many things were that important. The important things are children, honesty, integrity and faith." - mellow TV pioneer Andy Williams talks about tripping back when that shit was legal, and all the rich folks were doing it. *** *** *** "Democracy is the best political system of slavery ever invented. In a democracy, the slaves believe that they are "free" and have a "voice" in their affairs. Thus, they are willing slaves and, as such, the possibility of a revolt is much less than in an overt system of slavery." - Christopher Hyatt, again, from his recently re-released Psychopath's Bible. LEWD LEXICON! Thanks to Steve Matula for sending in today's Lewd Lexicon submissions. Penis Breath (n) What your breath smells like when you eat too much penis. Similar to having garlic breath when you eat to much garlic. Snow Cone (n) While holding your thumb and forefinger around the head of your penis, you catch all your cum so that it settles on the tip of your penis. This gives your penis the look of a snow cone. Poo Jabber (n) The term given to someone who enjoys giving anal sex. "He enjoys jabbing his lover's poo with his penis - hence he is a poo jabber."

JOKES: Our first joke was sent in by our man in the desert XXX... A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." Our second joke was sent in by our new pal Van the Man... A new patient walks into a dentist's office complaining of a toothache. After an examination, the dentist tells him that he has an abscessed and impacted wisdom tooth and it will have to come out. The guy agrees and asks if it can be done immediately. The dentist has an opening, so he agrees and starts to reach for the needles. The patient says firmly, "No. No needles." The dentists shrugs and starts to reach for the gas mask when the patient says, "No. No painkillers at all." The dentist is shocked. "This is probably the most painful procedure I can think of. You're gums are already sore from the infection and the tooth may break up and I'll have to dig pieces of tooth and bone out of your mouth. Nobody can take that kind of pain." The patient is firm, they argue until finally the dentist throws up his hands and says to himself, "I'll start and in five minutes he'll be begging for the needles." The procedure goes as expected, with the dentist having to dig out fragments of broken tooth. During this period the patient doesn't flinch or even make a sound. When he's finished the very impressed dentist says, "That was the most impressive display of courage I've ever seen. Don't you ever say ouch?" The patient says, "I've only said ouch twice in my life. The first time I was out in the woods taking a shit and didn't notice the bear trap until it closed right on my nuts." The shocked dentist says, "Oh my God, what could possibly be the second time?!" "When I ran out of chain," was the patient's terse reply. WORST JOKE SUBMISSION OF THE DAY! Today's worst joke was sent in by Grand Faisal. And to those of you who write in complaining that the Worst Jokes of the Day are only funny because most of them are written by people for whom English is a second language... thanks for pointing out the obvious. A guy was masturbating in the shower. Finished, he walked out of the of the shower, but fell, because he stepped on his cum which was everywhere on the floor making it slippery. He stood up and cursed under his breath: "You ain't a son, yet, but already you tried to kill me."

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I have this new boyfriend of three months. Whenever we have sex (so far 4 times) he ejaculates after 2 minutes and I never feel any pleasure because he is small. It is the worst. What should I do? Signed: FED UP. Dear Fed: Obviously, there's only one thing you can do... close your eyes, pretend everything's fine, and drag this relationship out until you're driven mad by disapointment and sexual frustration. When that cork finally pops, you should aim the resulting torrent of insanity directly at your unsuspecting mate by belittling everything about him, especially anything of a sexual nature. Once you're done venting, he will probably crush your throat with his bare fucking hands in an explosion of blind, idiot rage, afterwhich he will probably be sent to jail where he will be sodomized - and eventually have his skull caved in - by his hulking, schizophrenic cell-mate. It might seem harsh to you now, but believe me, the species will definitely benefit from your sacrifice!

READERS' SOAPBOX Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: RUDE, RUDE PEOPLE! Sent in by: hdhugger90@icqmail.com Dear Jerky, Maybe you can help me with a problem. I am female, 5'1" tall and I weigh 110 pounds. That is a normal size for my height. I have a lot of friends who are within the normal ranges for their height. The problem is, we are really tired of women who are (or feel they are) overweight telling us we are skinny. Maybe they are jealous, who knows, but here's the thing: We don't really LIKE being told we are skinny. It is none of anybody's business to tell us what they "perceive" to be wrong with our bodies. Why do they feel they have the right? Do we tell them what is wrong with their bodies? No, we are what is called POLITE. Maybe the overweight, jealous FATASSES should try being POLITE also. Do they want us to be just as honest with them as they feel they have the right to be with us? Picture these examples: FATASS FEMALE: you are so skinny! NORMAL FEMALE: you're a fucking whale! FATASS FEMALE: you could stand to gain some weight. NORMAL FEMALE: you could stand if you cut 50 pounds of your chin! FATASS FEMALE: Of course you're cold! You need some meat on your bones! NORMAL FEMALE: What did you say? You haven't gotten any meat since your last visit from your daddy in the middle of the night? Of course, we don't say any of these things, because me and all of my friends feel that it's not our right to be SO FUCKING RUDE! You have no idea if a person is thin because they have cancer, just as nobody knows if a large person has a thyroid problem. So, the next time you feel like opening your mouth, STICK A CHICKEN LEG IN IT! - Jackie p.s. I don't mean to offend anybody except the people who feel they have the right to offend us. [It has been my experience that fat chicks fight back harder. If you're gonna be trying out any of those comebacks, I'd suggest having some pepper-spray handy. Or a carpet knife. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com