THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND RIGHT-WING PROPAGANDA (TWO BLASTS FROM THE DIRTY PAST) VOCABULUS CONSERVATOX Republican political consultant and pollster Frank Luntz (rhymes with "cunts") has just published a massive "how to" tome instructing his clients on the art of propaganda through linguistic hijacking. Of particular interest is the appendix entitled The Fourteen Words Never To Use, which was originally prepared for Congressional spouses, in order that they may "STOP saying words and phrases that undermine your ability to educate the American people." The following is yer old pal Jerky's analysis and critique of Luntz's work. *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Government" Luntzian Alternative: "Washington" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: The geographic location of the nation's capital city is inconsequential. The American government is made up of its elected officials and bureaucrats, not its office buildings and monuments. Daily Dirt Alternative: "The Powers That Be" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Privatization/Private Accounts" Luntzian Alternative: "Personalization/Personal Accounts" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Conservatives only stopped calling their ridiculous Social Security scheme "privatization" late last year when polling showed that the American people were dead-set against it. Now, they insist that everyone follow their nomenclatural lead or be attacked as liberal-biased obstructionist saboteurs. But there's nothing "personal" about handing over federally-collected funds to private, for-profit investment gamblers whose only guarantee is that they'll take their cut whether you win or lose, and use a percentage of their earnings to bribe more politicians to pass more bad legislation to put even more money into their already overflowing pockets. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Lock Box Looting" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Foreign Trade" Luntzian Alternative: "International Trade" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: What's the fucking difference?! Daily Dirt Alternative: "Bargain Hunting" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Health Care choice" Luntzian Alternative: "The Right to Choose" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Again, I have to ask… what's the fucking difference?! Daily Dirt Alternative: "H.M.O.B.S." *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Drilling for oil" Luntzian Alternative: "Exploring for energy" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: The only way this administration wants to "explore" is in a downward direction, through the Earth's crust, with a diamond-tipped drill bit. And the only "energy" they're interested in is the combustible dinosaur soup us simple folk call "oil." So let's put away the fucking Thesaurus, shall we? Daily Dirt Alternative: "Raping Mother Nature's Asshole" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Tort Reform" Luntzian Alternative: "Lawsuit Abuse Reform" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: According to the Constitution, the responsibility of determining whether or not a lawsuit constitutes abuse of the legal system falls upon a jury of the litigant's peers. The Republican obsession with tort reform can thus be seen in its proper context as a natural extension of the broader Republican contempt for the American people. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Pre-emptive Absolution" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Trial Lawyer" Luntzian Alternative: "Predatory Personal Injury Lawyer" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: See above. Daily Dirt Alternative: "A Necessary Evil" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Corporate Transparency" Luntzian Alternative: "Corporate Accountability" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Without transparency, true accountability is impossible. Unless, of course, you're willing to take Kenny Boy Lay at his word. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Transparent Accountability" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "School Choice" Luntzian Alternative: "Parental Choice/Equal Opportunity in Education" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Parents are already free to send their kids to private schools, religious indoctrination schools or hippie "alternative" schools if they so choose. They can even teach their kids at home if they want, despite this practice often leading to nervous breakdowns and the occasional bathtub murder. But taking cash out of the already under-funded public education system to bankroll the efforts of those who want to protect their children from "indoctrination" (by indoctrinating them in a different way) constitutes the polar fucking opposite of equal opportunity in education. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Faith-based Kickbacks" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Tax Reform" Luntzian Alternative: "Tax Simplification" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Whenever conservatives talk about simplifying the tax code, what they really mean is the elimination of taxes on anything other than goods, services and labor income. That the simplest taxation methods -- the flat tax, a national sales tax, etc -- happen to be the easiest for wealthy Republican donors to circumvent is surely no coincidence. Everybody's gotta buy food and clothing. Only the chosen few earn capital gains. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Vertical Wealth Shift" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Inheritance/Estate Tax" Luntzian Alternative: "The Death Tax" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Even the wealthiest dead cannot be taxed. On the other hand, the inheritors of their estates can, and should, be taxed at a far greater rate than they currently are. America was never meant to become a den of dynastic, hereditary elites. Cream rises of its own accord. Daily Dirt Alternative: "The Paris Hilton Toll" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Globalization" Luntzian Alternative: "Free Market Economy" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Luntz's disdain for his fellow citizens here is radiant. Americans don't like globalization, he claims, not because they can follow its inexorable logic after having suffered the already dire consequences of its inglorious beginnings, but because it "represents something big, something distant and something foreign." The poor dumb sheep are simply afraid, you see. And, like little children recoiling at the sight of an immunization needle, their fear renders them incapable of deciding what's best for them. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Third-Worldification" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Outsourcing" Luntzian Alternative: "Taxation, Regulation, Litigation Innovation, Education" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: When confronted with a no-win topic, what should the smart Republican do? Change the subject! Instead of defending or pledging to curb the shipping of American jobs overseas, he should urge his questioners to help elect him so that he may do everything in his power to make America a more attractive place for American companies to do business, like China, Indonesia and Haiti. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Economic Treason" *** **** *** Forbidden Word: "Undocumented Workers/Immigration Reform" Luntzian Alternative: "Illegal Aliens/Border Security" Why the Alternative is Bullshit: If it wasn't for the greedy elite practice of reverse outsourcing -- importing so-called guest workers to do back-breaking labor for less than minimum wage -- this might be more of a legitimate concern. In any case, giving Texas back to Mexico would likely have an extremely salutary effect upon the national character, and should be gotten over with sooner than later. Daily Dirt Alternative: "Aztlan Repopulation" ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ THE CASE AGAINST THE TEN COMMANDMENTS Certain people with heads full of conservative talking points are going around saying things like: "So what if the Ten Commandments are put up in schools, courtrooms, interrogation centers and re-education camps?! What's wrong with saying Thou Shalt Not Kill or Steal?! The Ten Commandments are just a COMMON SENSE GUIDE for LIFE!!!" This, of course, is total bullshit. Some Commandments are very specific to Christianity, while others are downright un-American! Let's go over them one by one... The First Commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods before me! See? Right away, we got a big, big problem. America is chock full of people with other religions - Muslim, Hindu, Bhuddist, Taoist, Wiccan - some of them worship different Gods, some of them worship NO God. Does this Commandment belong in a court-house? Of course it doesn't. The Second Commandment - Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth! Now there's a reasonable, level-headed, common-sense rule for living! No statues, because they might lead to dancing, which leads to... you know... The Third Commandment - Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Goddammit, this one just pisses me off! This Commandment stands in direct violation of the First Amendment, which guarantees Americans' freedom of speech. And do you know what the Bible (in its infinite wisdom) says should happen to people who break this Commandment? "And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death." (Leviticus 24:16). How un-American! The Fourth Commandment - Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates. Yer old pal Jerky wants to know why religious conservatives consider such an arbitrary, obviously religion-specific regulation as being fit to be put on display in government offices and law enforcement facilities, many of which (hospitals, cop shops) are open all week long, 24/7... The Fifth Commandment - Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. So if my daddy were Adolf Hitler, and I slapped him down when I found out about that whole Holocaust thing, then I should be put to death? In what way is this common sense? In what way is a person's relationship with their parents the government's business? The Sixth Commandment - Thou shalt not kill. Finally we get to a safe one, right? Wrong. For instance, most people are all for allowing cops to carry guns, and allowing them to use deadly force to apprehend dangerous, violent offenders. Most Americans are also pro-death penalty in cases where the crime is especially horrendous and where guilt is established with absolute certainty. Most people advocate the maintenence of our armed forces, who should be allowed to kill invading soldiers, if need be. Most people believe in an individual's right to defend oneself against aggression up to and including the use of deadly force against one's attacker. A great many people aslo believe that, should we ever face a painful, crippling illness, we should be allowed to choose our time of dying, and, if we are unable to do it ourselves, that we should be able to enlist the aide of another in 'killing' ourselves. And, finally, the majority of Americans advocate the availability of abortions, so that dangerous or unwanted pregnancies need not be carried to term against the will of the mother. The Seventh Commandment - Thou shalt not commit adultery. I ain't even gonna dignify this one with a rebuttal... The Eight Commandment - Thou shall not steal. The first reasonable Commandment... and it's number eight! We're almost done, here! The Ninth Commandment - Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. This one is commonly misinterpreted as "Thou Shalt Not Lie," which wouldn't be reasonable (It would make police under-cover work impossible, for one thing!). Taken literally, however, this Commandment simply sez you shouldn't tell lies about other people. Don't say you saw this dude stabbing that dude if you didn't see this dude stabbing that dude... pretty simple, and the only judicially relevant Commandment. The Tenth Commandment - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. What? But coveting is the basis of CAPITALISM, baby! And capitalism is the engine that keeps America humming along. Therefore, this Commandment is the ultimate un-American statement! So, in conclusion, FUCK the Ten Commandments. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 6 On this day in 1857, the Supreme Court hands down its decision in the Dred Scott case, establishing that slaves cannot be considered citizens. It would take a Civil War, and the deaths of nearly ¾ of a million Americans, to correct this stupid mistake. On this day in 1978, Klan assassin Joseph Paul Franklin shoots and cripples Larry Flynt, apparently because he was enraged by an interracial photo spread published in Hustler Magazine. Franklin was never prosecuted for the attack on Flynt, but he currently sits in jail, considered party to upwards of 20 racially-motivated murders and a number of other violent offenses, including the attempted murder of former Clinton lawyer Vernon Jordan. On this day in 1981, Walter Cronkite signs-off as anchorman of The CBS Evening News. Twenty-five years later, he's still kicking himself in the ass for retiring too early and leaving that show-boating loon Dan Rather in charge. On this day in 1996, the "awards show" begins its long, slow slide into irrelevancy (remember yesterday's Dirt?) when the 10th annual American Comedy Awards and the 2nd annual Blockbuster Entertainment Awards take place on the same night.

THEY SAID IT! "What are you benching, buff guy?" - Here's a snap quiz for y'all! Is the above quote a) a pick-up line you might overhear at a gym frequented by homosexuals, or b) an example of the kind of small talk Preznit Dubya engated in with disgraced Republican super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff? Click here for the answer. *** **** *** "Hell, tell us you’ve decided to go to Nepal to commune with Yetis. Make up any cockamamie excuse to hang them up. We promise to believe anything that will keep your steroid-bloated carcass off the field." - Mike Celizic on Barry Bonds... OUCH!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Henry Bent! TITLES REJECTED BEFORE THEY DECIDED ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Oklahomo Lasso My Asso How the West Was Hung Damn My Ass is Sore Fist Full of Cowboy *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kerusty for sending in today's second joke. A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Henry Bent... I'm a bad mutha fucka, I'm a jungle man. I walk around the jungle with my dick in my hand. Then one day while swinging from a tree, I saw a hundred women looking down at me. I fucked ninety eight 'till my balls turned blue. Backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: LYSOL DOUCHE REDUX care of: Beau Dear Old Pal Jerky, It's not too much of a stretch for Lysol to be sold as a douche. Here's a bit of trivia for you: Lysol is manufactured by a company called Reckitt Benckiser. It's also not surprising that "RB" makes other household products like Woolite and d-Con. But did you know that the good folks who bring us Lysol also bring us opioid analgesics too? Specifically a drug that's most often used in narcotic detox programs as a replacement for methadone called Buprenorphine aka Suboxone aka "Bupe". There's even evidence that Buprenorphine can treat depression. So if your old lady gets bummed about using Lysol to treat those unpleasant odors, fear not! Reckitt Benckiser has a product for the psychological effects of being on the rag - not to mention the pain and discomfort. They even have a website to locate a doctor near you who just may treat her with something that may be a wee bit more fun than Lysol. Because inquiring minds want to know! Yer Old Pal, Beau [Nice work, cousin! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Greetings MOPJ, Check out this little link. Now I am all for less than lethal and non lethal rounds. However if you check the last sentence in the description, "Protesters worldwide should start seeing these new superbullets whiz by sometime next year.", the implications are frightening. Unless I am grossly misreading this and they somehow mean "professional testers", it would seem that the company is on board with any fascist regime, allbeit a "kinder, gentler" or "compassionate" brand of fascism that squashes protests. In the US at least I thought the right of assembly was covered in the Constitution. Shooting at a criminal is one thing, shooting at a protestor is another thing entirely. Any of the science geniuses out there know if the whole Taser technology could be beaten by say a thin wire mesh incorporated into clothing with a lead that ran down the back of the pant leg and attached to the bottom of the shoe? A means to ground a person out giving the voltage a preferred path to travel? Just trying to think of a way to beat this sort of thing. Keep up the good work! Cheers, R.W. Brennan [Thanks for the link. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey mopj... those virgins for Bush on the port deal; are those going to be male or female? Just wondering... yopmitch [See today's Quotes section for a hint. - Jerky] *** **** *** hie jecky any guys you know in Zimbabwe, interested in doing porno movies or productions??? l will be very much interested,for a fee of course. bye kim [In Zimbabwe? Only snuff movies. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Here's some help from one "infrantry sgt" to another. Click on this link and quit being an embarrassment to Infantry Sgt's everywhere. Cheers, YOPMick [Easy now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hie Jerky You know Jerky, so many people spend quite a fortune buying expensive perfume that some fuckin nut says has feromones just for them to get laid but the truth is getting laid is sufficient on it's own to do the trick. You are probably wondering what i am getting at, Jerky is the formulae: If married make sure you bath every night before going to bed so that you smell good for the misus. Now here is the trick, after fucking the misus all night you really don't need to bath but have a face do so that you go out smelling real feromones. bye kim [Lysol, man... Lysol. - Jerky] *** **** *** I'd rather hunt with Cheny than ride with Kennedy! Every day I thank people like Cheny and Bush because I'm still allowed to hunt. Did you know that archery hunting in England is illegal. It started with politicians like Kerry, Clinton, and Kennedy, who just wanted to regulate a few guns. Then POOF- got em all. R. Pickett [You're an idiot. - Jerky] *** **** *** Can you read this? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Keefer [Phew! What a relief. I thought you were retarded! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com