PLAYING CATCH-UP - PART 2 INNOCENT QUESTION #4372003 ~ According to a recent poll conducted by Die Zeit magazine, over twenty percent of Germany's population believes the USG may have been behind the terrorist attacks of 9-11, and just under a third of Germans who are thirty years of age and under hold that view. Yer old pal Jerky's innocent question is this: Why haven't any reputable polling companies asked this question to the American people? Could it be because they don't want anyone to even contemplate that possibility, because - once they start - they might not stop until they reach some uncomfortable conclusions? Or could it be because they fear the numbers would shock and awe their political paymasters, who depend on a docile populace of unquestioning sheeple to maintain their opulent, lobbyist-funded lifestyles? By the way, yer old pal Jerky knows that "reputable polling company" is a classic example of the genus oxymoron. My point was rhetorical. INNOCENT QUESTION #4372004 ~ Okay, so we know that, as the first, easier part of the attaq on Iraq was winding down, PNAC hand-picked Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmad Chalabi to head up a squad of exiled Iraqis with the hope that he would eventually take over control of that country from the United States military. But the minute he set foot on Iraqi soil (you can see his handful of henchmen in almost every piece of news footage of "celebrating crowds in Baghdad"), he started railing against the neighboring nation of Jordan, which happens to be one of the USG's stronger allies in the region. Of course, this probably has nothing to do with the fact that Chalabi once lived and ran a bank in Jordan, or that he was caught stealing millions of dollars from his clients, and sentenced (in absentia) to 20 years in prison for his crimes there. And of course, this probably has nothing to do with the deadly bomb attack on the Jordanian embassy in Iraq that took place three weeks ago, and which is now forgotten in the wake of the deadlier UN mission and Jerusalem bombings (and the mortar attack on an American-run prison, and the sabotage of the water supply, and the blowing up of a major oil pipeline, etc, etc, ad bedlam). So I guess my innocent question here is… how much worse do things have to get before JESUS shows up?! INNOCENT QUESTION #4372005 ~ If I asked people to start calling the Daily Dirt "the Gigli Dirt," do you think they would do it? INNOCENT QUESTION #4372007 ~ With all the truly fucked-up, end-days-level shit going down in the world today, why are CNN and FOX News and MSNBC feeding their mind-starved audiences a non-stop diet of Kobe, Arnold and Laci's poor dead baby? I swear to Godzilla, one of these days you're gonna flip on CNN and see Larry King swinging that tiny corpse around his head by its umbilical cord while Daryn Kagan and Aaron Brown sing "Yankee Doodle" and perform a choreographed fandango in the studio behind him. Then you'll flip on FOX and watch live (via satellite) as Bill O'Reilly and a horde of shrieking O'Reillyphiles hurl stones at somebody who fails to agree with every last declaration shat from that intolerable asshole's filthy rotten mouth. Folks, this is where we stand: The entirety of America's broadcast media establishment are guilty of Crimes Against Journalism, and if there is any justice in the universe, they will one day be made to pay dearly for their transgressions. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 21 On this dark night in the year 31,430 BC, the last living Neanderthal hides in a narrow cave while a Cro-magnon hunting party stands outside, screaming and hurling rocks, gathering up their courage to go in after him. The Neanderthal, who's just watched these same blood-thirsty killers butcher his entire family, realizes his situation is hopeless. Alone in the cold, damp darkness, he tilts back his head and howls mournfully at a moon he will never see again. On this day in 1911, some crazy eye-tie by the name of Vincenzo Peruggia strolls into Paris' Louvre museum, walks up to Leonardo Davinci's masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, takes it down from the wall, slips it under his coat, then brazenly walks right out the door with it. Two and a half years later, Peruggia is apprehended after trying to sell the priceless treasure to an Italian art dealer. This a fine, illustrative example of the old physiological dictum stating that testicular volume is usually inversely proportionate to the amount of grey matter sloshing around in a person's skull. On this day in 1959, beautiful Hawaii becomes a US state, giving an incredible boost to the then-burgeoning, now all-but-forgotten Polynesian Invasion that swept across our cultural landscape like a tropical storm (or a contagious disease), just before the hippies started hogging the limelight. Surely yer old pal Jerky isn't the only late-model "GenXer" who remembers eating poi, roast pork and pu-pu platters while his folks sucked down drinks with surprisingly high alcohol content served in ceramic demon-heads, as topless, bitch-titted dudes twirled flaming batons perilously close to his head? It will be on this day in 2017 that the next total solar eclipse will be visible from North America. Total chaos will ensue.

THEY SAID IT! "Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000 and the recall in California, I'm beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election -- except get the most votes." - Bill Mahr cracks wise. *** **** *** "Whale flatulence stuns scientists." - The funniest newspaper headline yer old pal Jerky's come across in a while now. Click on the link to see a fart bubble the size of a small house.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal MidWest. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young fellow fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you hoping for?" The bright, young, engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on your benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?!" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ken Andreasen for sending in today's second joke. A West Virginia man went to the doctor and said: "It's time I got my daughter on the birth control pills." "But Cletus," said the doctor, "she's awfully young! Is she sexually active?" "No," Cletus replied. "She just lays there like her mother!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by Biggs. I think he may be retarded. Q. How do you start a teddy bear race? A. "Ready teddy, go" Q. How do you start a pudding race? A. Sago

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hi Jerky; The bombing of the UN building in Iraq was a despicable act. It is likely the work of a vile, piece of shit terrorist, with no regard for human life, for his own personal gain. If the U.N. security council should go in search of this asshole, it is my opinion that they should begin their investigation with the Alpha Terrorist himself, your own beloved Preznit Gee Dubya Bush. I would not put it past him to do just about anything to justify his terrorist acts... and wouldn't this be the perfect way for him to say to the UN: "See? I told you so!" This miserable prick has already shown that he is ready and willing to order the murders of as many innocent people as it takes to get his twisted point across. I could be wrong, and therefore am not accusing that lying sack of shit of anything... but if suspects are to be rounded up, I feel that he is the logical choice to be at the top of the list. Signed: Brian Unfortunately, Brian, we will most likely never find out the truth about who was behind the bombing of the United Nations mission HQ in Iraq. Everywhere you turn, there's a different theory being presented, and they all have some degree of credibility, if no supporting evidence. Some claim this was a covert US operation to help either a) teach the UN a lesson for not backing Bush's bullshit invasion, b) convince the international community that their cooperation and help are needed in Iraq, or c) convince the international community that Iraq is a cesspit of fanatic Islamists, thus justifying both the delay of democracy's implementation, as well as the continued application of the tactics of military repression. Some people claim Israel's Mossad was behind it. Then again, some people claim Israel's Mossad is behind everything from the terror attacks of 9-11 to last week's blackout to NBC's ongoing refusal to cancel Friends. Even if it's true, the task of figuring out which of the reports in the snarled knots of anti-Semitic propaganda is legitimate is basically impossible, and yer old pal Jerky isn't about to start trying. Were the perpetrators - as most people believe - Iraqis angered by the presence of foreign political entities on Iraqi soil? If so, their choice of victims was unfortunate and brutally ironic. UN envoy Sergio Vieira de Mello, a hero in Brazil and long considered a front-runner in the race to follow Kofi Annan as head of the UN, approached the Herculean task before him with grace, humility, and a little more solidarity with the Iraqi people than certain factions in the West might have liked. About the American occupation of Iraq, he was recently quoted as saying: "It is traumatic. It must be one of the most humiliating periods in their history. Who would like to see their country occupied? I would not like to see foreign tanks in Copacabana." In his years working for the UN, de Mello had done stints in some of the world's most dangerous and chaotic hot-spots. He was in Lebanon during the civil war, in post-genocide Rwanda, and in Kosovo during the thick of that conflict. After all that, yer old pal Jerky finds it telling, if not incriminating, that this fine man's luck ran out where it did, and when it did. *** **** *** Hi, MOP Jerky. In a surprise revelation it emerges that Sir Paul McCartney is buying his new wife, Lady Heather, a plane for her birthday! However, she'll still be using a razor on her other leg... Cheers! YOP Tony. It took yer old pal Jerky a few seconds to figure that one out, Tony, but when he did, he near bust a gut laughing! To get your joke, one has to know the primary definition of the word plane, and one also has to know about Lady Heather's... condition. But once all is said and done, one is almost certain to find it was well worth educating oneself about it. Or not. It's entirely up to y'all.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE WHYS AND WHEREFORES OF THE BLUES Care of: Craig W. If you're new to Blues music, or you like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules: 1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes -- sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out." 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway, b. jailhouse, c. empty bed, d. bottom of a whiskey glass. 11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's, b. gallery openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses. 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt, b. you're blind, c. you shot a man in Memphis, d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth, b. you were once blind but now can see, c. the man in Memphis lived, d. you have a 401 K or trust fund. 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues. 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine, b. whiskey or bourbon, c. muddy water, d. black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast. 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. 17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Jennie. 18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie. 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.), b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.), c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc. - Craig W. [Man, that Soapbox brought yer old pal Jerky back to his youth, wasting time in dirty-glass blues dives, listening while not-quite-legends held court in the kingdom of guitar. Remember Tone-deaf Carter Cantaloupe? Handicapable Rutabega Reagan? Man, you never questioned whether those guys had the blues. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com