HURRICANE KATRINA ELEVEN MONTHS LATER WINGNUT VERSUS MOONBAT Two guest editorialists, one liberal and the other conservative, debate the lessons of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Who do you think is right? The Wingnut or the Moonbat? Remember to vote in our online poll, at the bottom left of this very page! - YOPJ *** **** *** KATRINA... LIBERALISM'S LAST STAND With Hurricane Katrina, Americans were given a rare opportunity to witness a test of their fellow citizens' mettle. Some came through with flying colors. In the flooded streets of New Orleans, we witnessed countless acts of self-sacrifice, great charity, inspiring heroism, unshakable faith and resolve in the face of adversity. But we also saw far too much of the dark side. In disturbingly short order, the Big Easy turned into a war zone where criminals took advantage of the chaos to loot stores and homes, to assault, rape and kill the helpless, to take pot-shots at their would-be rescuers. In short, to descend into a state of anarchy. Those were the two extremes: the heroes and villains of Katrina. But what about the people in the middle? The people reduced to sitting around with their hands out like beggars in some Third World country, completely clueless, able only to whine and moan about how "the government" wasn't doing enough to help them? Even more than the criminal element, the behavior of New Orleans' Left Behind illustrates a sorry state of affairs in our nation. Looters and rapists we can handle; a completely helpless and incompetent citizenry is an altogether different matter. Who is to blame for the pathetic softness that has overtaken this once proud and industrious nation? What happened to make the people of New Orleans so dependent, so incapable of taking care of themselves? I'll tell you what happened… The Great Society happened. The Welfare State happened. The ACLU happened. Big Daddy Government and the Nanny State happened. In other words, LIBERALISM happened. How else can we explain the mindset on display in New Orleans -- not to mention in most of the media -- that the President should have single-handedly evacuated the city, fed the hungry, healed the sick, and driven back the flood waters with a wave of his finger? Thanks to the long-dominant liberal philosophy, we have inadvertently trained a vast segment of the American public to see themselves as poor and helpless, so-called victims of everything from "institutionalized racism" to plain old bad luck. Instead of rescuing themselves, they wait around to be rescued, and complain when that rescue takes too long. The lessons of Katrina are hard ones, and I'm worried that my fellow citizens might not see the writing on the wall. Already I've heard talk about the need to "improve" government bureaucracies like FEMA, to better "prepare" for the next catastrophe, and to increase the role of the military in future national emergencies. Don't people understand that "improve" is simply a code word for "more of the same"? And isn't it obvious at this point that the last thing we need is more of the same? In the sixties, Lyndon Johnson tried to solve poverty by giving poor people more money. The end result? An increase in poverty and race riots in every major American city. In the wake of Katrina, any true improvement will consist of helping people help themselves, and getting rid of the crippling, liberal-tainted mentality that makes people sit down in the middle of the street and wait for somebody else to come to their rescue. *** **** *** KATRINA HIGHLIGHTS FAILURES OF CONSERVATISM A thousand innocent lives and one of America's most culturally important cities weren't the only things washed away by Hurricane Katrina this month. The illusion of the Bush administration's control over the nation's security, as well as the idea of conservative competence in general, lie in sewage-soaked tatters in the streets of New Orleans alongside the still unrecovered corpses being picked apart by starving dogs. There are already signs that Katrina has changed the way Americans think about their government, and the role it should play in their lives. All of a sudden, people about whom we hardly ever pay attention -- poor people, the elderly, ghettoized minorities -- were forced into our collective consciousness. Via the media, we all witnessed their misery, their tragedy, and their unconscionable abandonment to the cruel vicissitude of nature. As the initial drowning of New Orleans stretched into long days of chaos and despair, most of us could hardly believe our eyes. In America, the richest and most powerful nation on the planet, people were slowly dying in the streets for lack of water and food. Even on-the-scene reporters from FOX News couldn't believe what they were seeing, couldn't hold back their exasperation and contempt. Why wasn't anybody helping these people? Where was the National Guard? Where was FEMA? Answering these two questions begins to get us at the heart of the matter. Half of Louisiana's National Guardsmen -- most of whom originally signed up to help out in emergencies just like Katrina -- are currently stuck in Iraq, pawns in an ideologically-driven war game that was carelessly conceived and incompetently implemented by the conservative think tank chicken-hawks who control America's foreign policy. As for FEMA, it was folded into the Department of Homeland Security during the wholesale bureaucratic restructuring that followed the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. From that day forward, FEMA became just another redundant government entity; a place for inexperienced crony appointees to pad out their résumés. What's worse, FEMA was made subservient to the DHS, an organization which devoted its first four years to creating color-coded terror charts, telling people to stock up on duct tape, and issuing "terror alerts" whenever the President's poll numbers started to dip. And even when FEMA agents did reach New Orleans, their behavior was inexplicable. Cutting communication lines, stopping supplies from entering the city, preventing survivors from leaving... they acted more like an occupying army than a rescue force. There are many reasons for what happened, and many factors that helped make the Katrina disaster so much worse than it should have been. There is no single, linchpin mistake or bureaucratic roadblock that is solely responsible. The lack of effective federal-state communications played a role, as did putting an Arabian horse expert in charge of FEMA. Cutting the budgets for fixing New Orleans' levees seems like a pretty big mistake in hindsight. At the end of the day, though, the core problem was not one of structure, but of politics… of the values and principles that guide the Bush administration. Grover Norquist, one of the nation's most influential conservative movement activists, once said: "My goal is to cut government in half in the next twenty-five years, to get it down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub." And after the funeral… what then? According to people like Norquist, the dog-eat-dog logic of the market will rule, and all will be well. Unfortunately, that self-fulfilling prophecy has come to pass, only the bathtub was New Orleans and the dogs aren't restricting themselves to a cannibal's diet. Much to the Bush administration's chagrin, Americans actually care about their fellow citizens, and would rather see the common wealth be used for the common good than to fatten Halliburton's offshore bank accounts. With the Katrina catastrophe, the core values and principles of the modern conservative movement -- the ideas that individual initiative is paramount, that the market takes care of everything, and that government is unimportant at best -- have been tested, and found wanting. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 27 On this day in 1586, Sir Walter Raleigh brings the first ever shipment of tobacco from the New World (Virginia) to England, where the addiction takes firm hold and begins to spread -- much like cancerous polyps -- across Europe. Eventually, the sweeter leaf makes its way down through the Muslim lands and around Asia until basically, the entire planet is hooked and puffing. Combined with the arrival from the opposite direction of coffee -- and caffeine -- a mere thirty years later, is it any wonder that the ensuing century would be so productive when compared to, say, the previous ten? On this day in 1837, the United States Mint opens in Charlotte, North Carolina. Exactly seven years later to the day -- in 1844 -- it burns to the ground in a fire. Kinda makes you wonder why they bothered building it in the FIRST fuckin' place! On this day in 1940, Billboard Magazine publishes the very first Top 20 music chart, helping to foster a cultural environment where The Monkees, Hootie and the Blowfish and Britney Spears are worshipped like gods. On this day in 1991, "rocker" Jani Lane, of the "rock" group Warrant, marries a model by the name of Bobbie Brown. Hmmm… hold on, let yer old pal Jerky go get his consequentiality-measuring dookicky and run this item through it. Yep! Just as I thought! This is officially the single most inconsequential "on this day" item ever run in the Daily Dirt! You've just been witness to a little slice of history, folks! Give yourselves a round of applause! Go on, you deserve it!!!

THEY SAID IT! "Republican House leadership has been so unalterably corrupted by power and money that reasonable Republicans should support Democrats against DeLay-type Republican incumbents in 2006." - Former Republican Congressman and Presidential candidate Pete McCloskey drops a bombshell. *** **** *** "Who is the real Ahmad Chalabi?" - William River Pitt asks the question, and the only thing yer old pal Jerky is sure of is the fact that Chalabi ain't Eminem, and he smells faintly of hummus.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Kerusty Kerlown! A woman was quite distraught because she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, 'OK, take off all you crose.' So she did. Dr Chang then said, 'Ok, now craw rery fass to offa side of room.' So she did. Dr Chang then said, 'OK' now craw rery fass to me,' So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, 'Your ploblem velly bad, you hef Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not hef sex or dates.' Confused the woman asked, 'What is Ed Zachary Disease?' Dr Chang replied, 'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!' *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Brummbaer for sending in today's second joke. A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the heck is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ANOTHER LAST-CHANCE LAWSUIT care of: The Honorable Congressman John Conyers Jr. (D-Michigan) I wanted to update you on the lawsuit I have filed against George W. Bush and members of his administration, referred to in legal parlance as Conyers v. Bush. You are likely familiar with a number of steps I have taken to challenge the legality and constitutional grounds of the Administration's actions. From the lead up to Iraq, to the Downing Street Minutes, to the outing of a CIA agent, to warrantless wiretapping of U.S. citizens, I have called loudly for the Bush White House to explain itself. I decided to file suit against the President in Federal Court in Michigan, along with 11 Senior Democratic Members of Congress. This suit was necessary because of a clear violation of the constitution. When the President signed the Deficit Reduction Act (which "reduced" the deficit by cutting taxes, health care benefits, and student loans), he signed into law a bill that had not passed the House and Senate. A different version of the bill passed each house of Congress with a multi-billion dollar difference in funding for life-saving medical equipment. Anyone who ever watched Schoolhouse Rock knows this to be a problem. Given the stakes involved I felt it was imperative to aggressively take this fight to the courts. The President's lawyers tried to get the bill dismissed, but late last week I responded with legal filings that stand up for the rule of law and the Constitution and hope to bring the President, and our United States government, back under the rule of law. I wanted to email you this news today to update you on our efforts and to thank you for your help and support. Thank you also for your continued dedication to a better democracy. Sincerely, John Conyers Jr. [Good luck sir. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey there Jerkanator, I need a judgement call-which is more ironic. 1) The fact that Snowflake Children would not exist if it wasnt for stem cell research? or 2) The fact that when snowflake children were "invented" the religious right claimed doctors were playing God? or 3) Considering #2 is it ironic that those whom were protested are now the centerpiece of "family values"? Just asking. I cant figure out which is the better irony. Later, The Dalhi Bobba [I think it's a big twisted knot of irony. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Mate; Somehow the immortal Zappa seems to be poping his ugly head up a lot lately. Got me into searching for vids. Now we'll prolly get flooded with them :). Here's one called Stevie's Spanking. Great as Steve Vai is, he took a spanking from the master. I've found some amazing stuff I didn't know that was available about the Man. Check him out. yer mate Sklag [I've seen it of course, but hopefully others will check out the link and get switched on to Zappa. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; This is pretty fucking cool. My HALO 2 poster went 3-D! RW Sharp [Damn effective optical illusion! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Here's a lesson on how to motivate your employees, based on some ideas by Rube Goldberg. Trembly Dale [Good old Rube. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky... Death Squads?! Zod the Great [Yes, and unfortunately, you have to fight death squads with death squads. - Jerky] *** **** *** From the Republican playbook: "Never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it." Oh, MY... it seems to have been copied from another playbook (page 51). But, then again... it's ALL About the BIG LIE, huh? Wally [This certainly appears to be the case. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, Here are some Lexicon entries for ya! Aram MONOFTEN - a monsoon that doesn't end. PHARMASEX - chemically enabled sex VIAGRAVATION - getting a phone call during Pharmasex [Heheheh... - Jerky]

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